WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
