How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I need to calm my uterus...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
