wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
