a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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