Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
