Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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