I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Randomize
