just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My vagina is officially offended.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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