I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
