i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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