i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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