I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
