Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
