So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
