I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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