By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Randomize
