Someone shit on the floor
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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