If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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