Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
