guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
