His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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