Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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