seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
