Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
