Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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