I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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