glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
