turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
porn star boner night. come get it.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
