Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
