i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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