I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
