life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
