They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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