I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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