I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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