My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
