Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
