Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
