If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
