I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
They are going to name an STD after you.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
