It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
