I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
