It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
