My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Randomize
