Soap is not a condiment
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
