you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
