Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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