I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
