he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
