Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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