i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
