I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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