i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
